Journal Entry 17

I get some of the weirdest feelings and strangest desires at random times...and I have no idea if it is simply human or if I need to seek therapy!!! I want to preface the expression of these feelings with - I am a happy and, as far as I know!!!!, sane. BUT sometimes when I am walking down a street by myself and I see someone coming the other way, I actually think of and even visualize throwing a blinding unsuspecting left hook of that person's head...for no reason. I get nervous as they get closer thinking about it. So random and sadistic. I don't get it. I would NEVER do it EVER but why on earth does that thought even enter my mind. I can be driving by myself, over a bridge, and suddenly a glimpse of a thought of ripping on the wheel to send the car spiraling off! Again to clarify, not to die. To ......I don't actually know - feel alive?! Anyway, I get this mad rush of heart pounding adrenalin at the thought/fear of this insane thought. I don't get these thoughts often but they happen. So there it is. I may have just put in writing that I am a nut job! Hope not! I do have great happy thoughts but I feel like I invoke those and work them and shape them. I love thinking of ways to surprise loved ones and be thoughtful ...even spontaneous. They aren't as random. It is like I focus on the light and then at odd times darkness slips in. I wonder if that is the difference between good and bad - the ability to control those moments. For anyone who has read this far - please don't think of planning an intervention!!! I am stone cold sober! Just a little out there....which is status quo! Anyway, there it is.
 

Journal Entry 16

I am in LA right now....again. I believe it is the next step and that I have to push to enter this US market/industry here to achieve what I have set out to accomplish. I want to be financially viable and maintain creativity integrity - is that possible? I will find out! Again, I refer to my amazing support system (my wife, family, and friends) for the confidence to ride the roller coaster.
I don't think anything changes from being an actor in Canada to the US to Timbuktu for that matter. You do your homework, you take classes/study, you respect your achievements, and you stay aware of you sense of self and purpose. LA likes to attack that last one! But truthfully, it is only perspective that can really affect that last one. My first trip down here ....well, let's just say my sense of self came home in a body bag. Yup, I had my butt whooped and handed back to me. I now see why it happened. I allowed others more control than I should have. I didn't create a relationship with my manager that would help progress my situation, primarily due to levels of control. I have realized why people demand respect. You have to! The tricky part of all that is the balance of when, where and how much to demand ....which relates back to control. Too much and you are a pushy a$&hole, too little and you are a pushover. Due to Canadians predisposition to humility and kind demeanor that balance may be more difficult to find. Or so I discovered - I think I have a pretty good start on it all!
 

Journal Entry 15

Sometimes I feel like everytime I have something I want to say... somethng remotely worth sharing or simply putting out there where people may find it - I am laying in bed waiting for my mind to quiet and sleep to come rescue me from the day. I tried carrying around a pad for those random thoughts but that died pretty quickly until yesterday when I scribbled a bunch of words of a piece of paper I found using a borrowed pen. Here are those words ... but read into them as you wish as I simply let thoughts fly!?

Lash out
Scream, shout and thrash about
Laugh so hard you begin to cry
Drop to your knees
Curse at the sky
Smash things for no reason
Pick a fight when no one is around
Flail until you fall
Hide behind an invisible wall
Bang your head until there is no feeling left at all
Let it all out because you can't keep it in
Then rage at it starting all over again
Feel as if you could literally explode
Enveloped by rage, fear, frustration and pain
Struggle for change and then want it the same
Damn the confusion
Waiver on what is right and wrong
If I could make all this stop....
But what would be left in the end?

Ok ... no I don't do drugs for those who may, at this point be wondering. I do, however, as mentioned before, over analyse the crap out of life. So at night, when many put their mind at rest, my engine is just starting and often goes into over-drive. For those who have read this - I appreciate your patience and humoring of my ramblings again! ;)
 

Journal Entry 14

I found a poem I wrote a long time ago. It is amazing how the state of mind I was in when I wrote it comes back to me instantly when I read it now.

Carry On

I sit, and I watch, but the world carries on,
The wind pulls the reluctant clouds across the sky,
The rain begins it's fateful journey earthward,
I sit, and I watch, but the world carries on,
The horizon refuses to waiver holding its ground,
Merciless time continues its relentless task,
I sit, and I watch, but the world carries on,
Questions seeking answers are again left wanting,
Understanding remains elusive,
I sit, and I watch, but the world carries on,
Loss forever trying to lead the strong astray,
Fear holds progression completely at bay,
I can no longer sit and watch the world pass me by,
I carry on.

Dan Boyd Payne
 

Journal Entry 13

OK - so there is apparently a box. And apparently we are all supposed to think outside of it. I don't want to get to existential or anything like 'there is no spoon'. Thank you Neo! But what exactly does that mean? I am trying to 'branch out' and involve my creative nature and connections in new and interesting ways. I am taking on a little entrepeneurial adventure which is a little scary. I am making a calendar. I don't if it is a smart/dumb idea, or if I am scared/excited....so does that mean it is outside my box? What I do know is that you find out who your friends are and who cares about you and to what extent when you feel like you are putting yourself out there as I do with this calendar! I have great people in my life from family to people I have met through my acting career. That makes me think that I may be safely in my box still! That or I am seriously blessed to be surrounded by these people. Actually that I do know!
I wanted to add to this entry a little about these entries in general. I like this space as a place I can come to write random thoughts and do it spontaneously. It is both cathartic and therapeutic. I don't date these entries because I never know when the urge will strike, and if it does strike - will I be somewhere I can make an entry. I will say that I will make every effort to make, at the very minimum, one entry per month - MINIMUM! I just don't want to write for the sake if making an entry! It will hopefully be another point of interest with this site like the photos which will change from time to time. The fact that people are interested in my ramblings is very flattering! So I will leave you with a thought about a weird experience I had recently. I was driving to meet my cousin and got 'cut off'. I was going to get angry but caught myself (I heard my wifes voice saying - 'let it go'!). I thought whats the point at yelling and raging at this person. No one got hurt. Maybe they are simply in a rush just as I have been and accidently made a mistake. Two seconds later I pulled into the parking lot to meet my cousin and as I slowed to scout for a stall and lady tapped on my window and asked if I wanted her ticket as she was leaving and had already paid for the whole day! Now I love the show "My name is Earl' and I instantly thought Karma! And this spun my mind into a tailspin about Karma - why does it happen only once in a while and is it truly about events connected mysteriously or is it random actions we apply a notion to, to make it make sense for us?!? Anyway.....weird and cool!
 

Journal Entry 12

Wow! It is good to be back. I was away for a while....let's call it a hiatus. Nevertheless, happy to be back and sporting an amazing new look to the website. (Thank you Peter!) So let's talk industry...and try to stay positive! There is a lot more red tape and bologna than I had previously imagined. Since the most amazing experience in my career to date (Alice, I Think) I have experienced some crazy twists and turns on this 'rollercoaster' style career. The business side of acting is a whole other animal that is a very unpredictable beast. You could be the most talented and marketable thing going and have the business side of this career bite you right in the ass! I haven't had that happen and I will jump on the fast track of the learning curve to avoid it and maybe even tame that beast if possible! It will take a solid focus to the business side of acting to do so and that is where most of my focus has been as of late.
I have joined forces with a friend to write a production based on my strengths to test the creative side of the industry to start. First point of business - get BIG scissors - because I am sure the red tape will be plentiful!! Or maybe not - it is all learning. That reminds me of a saying which I will have to paraphrase because I can't recall exactly how it goes or who said it. Anyway... We begin to learn and explore the minute we are born into this world and that should stay true through to our last day on earth. We never stop learning if we chose to!
 

Journal Entry 11

Perspective is such a powerful tool. I am living the dream right now and ...well things just seem less stressful. So what if the dog crapped in the living room. Shit happens...in this case - literally, but why can't that be my outlook at all times. What is it that causes stress? I want to try to deny whatever it is that makes the 'rose-tinted' glow fade. Life is too short. I used to suffer a slight case of road rage... okay okay, it creeps back a little now and again, however I am training my mind to not overreact to things beyond my control. My brother and I used to say, "if you can change something that needs changing - change it. If something cannot be changed or is beyond your control forget about it. If something needs changing and you can change it but don't - shut up!"...or something to that effect. I analyse sooooo much I think I analysed my own birth. I want to free my mind from some of that chatter as well as most of it relates to things beyond my control. My brother and I joked about shaving our heads and joining a monastery to meditate until that calm/peace/silence/stillness entered our minds. I sit here entertaining that idea again. I have started to read the book 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. The reviews, both personal and formal, are very promising that these ideas I seek are discussed. I am off to find out. Peace out.
 

Journal Entry 10

Today I have a poem in mind. I have a one hour drive to work and back each day and it is a great time to reflect. I am cursed with a mind that over analyzes everything. I am looking to calm those inner voices and meditation has come up. If anyone reading this has experienced something that calms the soul...or mind...or whatever it is inside a person that could use some settling - please drop a line! Here is the poem:
THE JOURNEY
Born into this quest
Like a prince in search of his kingdom
Life is not a test
But a journey toward freedom
With the responsibility all your own
An adventure into the unknown
Fate and destiny on your side
Your heart and soul as your guide
Along a path made for one
Just as night seeks out the sun
Your strength grows each day
The sweet taste of success along the way
The search for inner peace
Its grasp nearly in your reach
Only the final step left to make
But which direction will you take?
Close your eyes to the world around
Look inside for the treasure you have found
Your life is yours alone
Create your kingdom from your throne
The only limits the ones you set
Let there be no regret
Forever gather what you know
Live today and forever welcome tomorrow
-Dan Payne

There it is!


 

Journal Entry 9

I am sitting on set right now! The real Mom to my 'on the show' son has let me use her computer. What an amazing existence it is to be able to wake up and go to work to do the thing you have dreamed of doing on a regular basis. That was a mouthful. I will enjoy every moment as life is ever-changing and who knows what 'tomorrow' brings.....yeah, I think that was a song or something! Anyway, I am learning how the full time pursuit of this passion can create stresses in other areas of your life. I hardly see my wife or friends much at the moment. Fortunately, I have the best of both and they are super supportive regardless of lost socializing time. I am learning to be better at certain aspects of this game as well as discovering aspects I didn't know existed. The only thing I have found that I can tie through as a common thread is stay true to myself. ... so far that has been the foundation of everything in my life and I spent the greater part of my life figuring out who that is!!!
 

Journal Entry 8

I have just completed my first full week on the show. Five straight days.....up at the crack of dawn....traffic....twelve hours plus a day..... I LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT! I am living the dream! My family and friends have been so supportive. I hope I am not diagnosing myself as a manic when I say that the world looks better throught these eyes. And I must admit it looked pretty darn good before too! I want to find and maintain this power as an internal strength so that I am not at the mercy of the external rollercoaster of up and downs. That rollercoaster is a guaranteed thing called life and I want to see it through permanently empowered eyes. Possible? I will grow to find out!
 

Journal Entry 7

I want to share another quote as I have received some gracious emails from kind people sending me great quotes and kind words. Here is another one I really enjoy:

It is not the critic who counts,
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles,
or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood,
who strives valiantly...
who knows the great enthusiasms,
the great devotions,
who spends himself in a worthy cause,
who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,
and who at the worst,
if he fails,
at least fails while daring greatly,
so that his place shall never be
with those cold and timid souls
who have never known neither victory or defeat.
-TEDDY ROOSEVELT

Thank you again to everyone who has sent an email!!
 

Journal Entry 6

Today is the holiday Monday before I start filming tomorrow. Sleep is now a foreign concept. I know I yearned to 'win the lottery.' Now that the day has come, I am discovering an amazing shift in my thought process. The whole paradigm has shifted. The chance to learn and explore has gone up exponentially. That fear I talked about earlier - I am now shaping it into a healthy consciousness of oppurtunity which includes a little fear (to stay sharp), excitement, and ...well pretty much the whole list!
I have been hanging out with good friends and meeting their good friends. Lately, I have noticed that I find myself in these great conversations which have been refueling my soul. I could b.s. forever with the right person about the universe, people, religion, purpose of man, ...you name it. I was lucky growing up with a great brother and sister to bounce off so I don't know if that makes sense to whomever/whoever may be reading this. I love to ponder...be philosophical ...explore...some may say bullshit about all kinds of topics and subjects. And when I find someone who is interested in exploring their opinion and help me explore mine - perfect! It can help me to see a different perspective and vice versa and therby strengthen or reshape my opinion so I can better understand myself. I think we start learning the day we are born and the process goes on along as we are alive. These changes of late have helped me realize I can't let apathy lull me into becoming a 'sleepwalker' through life.
 

Journal Entry 5

OK so I took a small hiatus there for a while, but I am back. I was beginning to waver slightly in terms of my singled minded drive towards my dream. I had a phenomenal conversation with one of my acting coaches (she is amazing, by the way!) and a lot of things began to make better sense. For instance, the notion of being a responsible actor. Getting the gigs as an actor has often been likened to winning the lottery. And to a large extent that is true...or so it seems. So the best way to combat that unreliable and somewhat volatile system is to be proactive and responsible. I have aspirations to have a family and to do so I personally feel that I need to be a financially viable breadwinner. Buying lottery tickets won't cut it! So I discussed things at length with my wife and we decided together that I would take my Real Estate Licensing Course! It felt like a great and responsible decision. Wow is the world a funny place! The day I got a job in the real estate world and was to sign up for the course I got some unbelievable news. I won the freakin' lottery. I landed a series lead on a new Canadian comedy series for CTV!!! I am one blessed and lucky man. I know that there is a huge element of having people behind you, supporting you and putting positive energy into the world for you. So to all of you - THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! The world runs on that energy (or should) and I am beyond grateful. As I type this I am all over the map! I have a feeling of elation that has a feeling of scared shitless right on its heels! Time to take that next step!!!
 

Journal Entry 4

I am in L.A. at the moment. I am down here for what is known as 'pilot season' - the time for new shows to cast for their first episode, nothing to do with aviation! This trip has been an eye opener. I have learned a great deal about the 'business' side of show business. I have also come to realize that there are 2 versions of me - one is how I see myself and the other being how other people see me. This is very valuable information for the business side of the game. You must know what you are selling. Speaking of things of value. I have also spent enough time here to realize the tremendous importance of family and friends. I am surrounded by amazing people. The love and support I get from them is a fuel that helps keep the fire of my passion burning brightly always. And come to think of it, if you are reading this, I say thank you to you as well for your support.
 

Journal Entry 3

Here is a quote that I think everyone should dig into to find a truth in it for themselves. I don't know whose words they are only that I love these words:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our
deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens
us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t
serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about
shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure
around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were
born to make manifest the glory of God that is within
us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And
as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give
other people permission to do the same. As we’re
liberated from our own fear, our presence
automatically liberates others.
 

Journal Entry 2

I have decided that I will start with a poem i wrote...

The four horsemen of the modern day
Futility, mediocrity, apathy, and fear
So easily defeated by passion and desire
Too many will fall from ignorance alone
Time the double edged sword
Knowledge found on a path built for one
Strength easily discovered
On the journey internal
Perspective determines the paradigm
Structure irrelevant
Fate and destiny myths of your mind
Control for the beholder
Take seat on your own throne
Striving brings freedom
Success only the goal
Choice, the most powerful weapon
Lead yourself
Answer to your heart
Your judgement, your law
The only limits set by the self
No obstructions, no walls
Stand and deliver
Responsbility the true lesson
Make no excuses
Cliches are for a reason
Find truth
Seek beyond your reach
Control the conscience
Take what you can
The hill is for climbing
Stand tall
Be
 

Journal Entry 1
THE BEGINNING OF A JOURNEY

I wanted to have a place where I could write freely about my experiences, throw around thoughts, explore my mind and here it is! This is very much for me to think aloud, search for the odd epiphany, work, and maybe even explore cathartic or therapeutic experiences. So please only read on and join the ride if you think it will be interesting to peek inside my mind as I chase a dream I know I will achieve. Much of this will be free form writing from all the corners of my brain with poems I write and maybe some quotes thrown in! If you've even read this far - thank you! The journey begins!